TonyDanza's DVDs > DVD reviews by TonyDanza

Even as a suicide alternative, it's too

Posted : 2 years, 3 months ago on 14 August 2007 03:11 (A review of Epic Movie [DVD] [2007] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC])

Created without any sense of direction and utter lack of humor. I imagine this was more of a bet that someone made the producers of the movie - to see how many half-assed, idiotic parodies could fit into 90 minutes and still make millions. Honestly, nothing was funny, and everything broke down into unintelligent jargon. The special effects sucked as well, making me think that the producer won $10,000 on a scratch-off ticket and decided to go hog-wild at the Goodwill. I would rather watch a documentary about forensics specialists attempting to explain a bag of vomitted human anal tracts through dramatization featuring the Baldwins and Carrot Top. No wonder only two of the six writers of Scary Movie made this; the other four hemmorhaged and shat blood continuously for ten hours. The only way the other two survived was by cramming their own heads into their asses, and the resulting movie is definitive proof.

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Burn all of these movies, stick with the

Posted : 2 years, 3 months ago on 14 August 2007 03:07 (A review of The Hills Have Eyes 2 (Unrated Edition))

By far one of the most amateurish gross-out films ever made. Looking back at the original, you can tell where they went wrong: In the first "The Hills Have Eyes", the mutants were given human characteristics - it was terrifying to realize that humans could be so malicious. They had something good with cannibalistic humans that happened to be mutated, and they ditched it for generic humanoid monsters. Like we've never seen those, you asshats.

At several points in the movie, if you can drown out the actors' "OMG CAN'T BELIEVE IT" screaming, you will assuredly wonder why trained National Guards with military-issue combat fatigues are being slaughtered by mutants. Let me tell you this: Despite people in their unit dying, they don't take out their knives until 20 minutes before the movie ends. Yes, they have knives, but do they use them when they're captured? No. I'm serious, throughout all of the bloody deaths, someone says "bayonet" just before the very end. The only way this could've happened is if they fired all of the retarded people from the crew, and the new crew didn't have enough time to film a less retarded movie.

The only saving grace of this movie is the special effects, but then again, you can easily beat someone's head into a bloody stump in reality and have it be more realistic. And after watching this movie, the latter method is preferable.

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